I haven't blogged in about three months.
And I thought of just letting it go. But I know how good it feels to let it all out in the open sometimes and just share where one is, what's one's mood and all that jazz.
Did I say all that jazz? I hate that expression.
Lots of new in my life.
The Design Center closed, the three months promised did not come. I was in limbo for two weeks in the US while the fate of the DC was decided along with mine. I moved my whole life from Hanoi to Kabul. Never did I think we'd have such ups and downs with funding.
After 2 weeks we came to the conclusion that it was in everyone's best interest that i flew back to Kabul to help the associations with purchase orders from the US fill those orders. I flew back on January 25th. I arrived to find an empty design center. Like a ghost town. Asif and Palwasha remained but a day or so after I arrived Asif annouced he was leaving, had a new job. Palwasha followed over two weeks later.
I was left on my own to deal with the whole thing. And this whole thing was not just professional work but also emotional states of mind, facing all our women who had so enjoyed receiving training in design, construction of goods, quality, costing and pricing and marketing. We were abandoning them. And I had to face them and be the one to explain the circumstances though most don't care about the ghorry details and just focused on the fact that we were closed and once again they, they were left to fend for themselves.
As hard as being the one to face them has been, I knew I had to come back and say goodbye, say it face to face. You see, we became sisters. Time can never erase our pact.
My first month has passed by, yesterday marked one month of my time left here.
The first month feels like a real, heavy year. Long and full of detail. Stretched out with a million details. If I recount what I did each day I am overwhelmed. Only my camera is left to testify on the days events.
My heart, well, I wish it would stop hurting over all of this. I have had a great time with my associations, I have so enjoyed each day, each task, but knowing it ends, knowing I can do so much more with them, well it is just draining. To know you have the capacity to lend a hand, and teach others to walk side by side with you but know that you are not allowed is something no one should have to face.
Life is life. Life is this, walking hand in hand. Why are so many people so blind to this fact?
Why does money govern life's activities, choices. After this experience I want out. I want out. I do not want to be conducted around life by monetary power. I want freedom, I want out.
By March 31st this chapter will be over with I suppose.
New chapter in my book? Yes. Bolivia. Artisan groups. Like-minded colleagues.
Details to follow.
For tonight just let me say Afghanistan is tatooed on me with heavy black ink. It's design is intricate, it's lines defined a new way of life for me.
Above any other lesson learned, I know I learned to love.
This lovely desert place, full of dried fruits and tea cups has captured my inspiration. I have smiled on this land. This land has smiled on me. It has touched me, it has blessed me. And regrets? None at all. Just certainty. Certainty that I was meant to have walked through it's winding roads.
That's all.
